Wednesday, April 6, 2016

HELP! MY HUSBAND DOESN'T TALK TO ME!

He comes home from work daily and all you get to your questions and enquiries from him are one-liners! A 'yeah' or 'no' or sometimes an 'ok.' Sometimes a nod. At other times a grunt. He does not appear to have anything much to say to you except in response to your probing, and many times he does it like it's a burden to just let you in on what's going on with him. But, it is not like he does not ever talk (with others especially), it is just that when it comes to you his wife, it appears like he has exhausted his daily 'quota' of words and is rationing the few he has left. Lol! This can be frustrating for women indeed seeing that we thrive on companionship and conversation with our husbands. Women just love to connect with their husbands via talking and being talked to. And so when it appears like her husband is refraining from indulging her in this, it gets very frustrating for a woman. Well, women here is one tip that will help you deal squarely with this seeming impasse and break the 'locks' off your husband's lips. Lol! Ecclesiastes 9:1818 Wisdom is better than weapons of war: but one sinner destroyeth much good.


See, you need to understand that when it comes to talking and being vulnerable with you, your husband will only be interested in talking about WHAT INTERESTS HIM. This is especially true when he is tired, has had a busy day and just wants to relax. At this time, if all you talk about are your own concerns and interests, you are not likely to get the kind of response you expect. When your husband has had a busy day, or is going through stuff (many of which you are not aware of ), the best way to draw him out of his shell is to initiate a conversation that centers around something that he is passionate about. Something that interests him. He will loosen up. He will talk. He will respond better. Before long, the ice would have melted and then because you have his attention and have listened to him with rapt absorption, he will be more inclined to listen to and respond better to you too when you SUBTLY bring up any other issue.

Did you observe the manner of approach for broaching subjects that are important to you once you have his attention? Subtly! Ease into it without making a big deal about it. Present your 'case' without any major announcement and grand entries. Once you have his attention via showing interest in his interest, just ease into the subject matter smartly. You will sustain his attention that way. I learnt this invaluable lesson by experience in the early days of our marriage. My husband, a workaholic and introverted banker, would come home at night after a hard day's work and not be in the mood for much talking (something I had been looking forward to all day).


So usually after exchanging hugs and pleasantries, all I got to my enquiries of 'how was your day' ( that has to be one of the most boring questions in the whole world) was 'fine'! I wanted more than that! So I went further with 'how was traffic today' and I got ' oh, tight as usual.' This went on for a while until I got inspired to ask him about his job one day when he came home, tired as usual.

I asked how his department functioned, transferring funds across continents without loading wads of notes in bags! And how he coped with the whole work load. (He was working in the International Department of his bank at this time). Suddenly his eyes lit up. He kicked off his shoes. Loosened his tie and sat forward. Then with as much excitement as he could muster, he began to explain to me what working in his department entailed and how a typical day went each day. I listened with focused attention on him, nodding, asking more questions, showing real interest and enjoying being 'educated' by a knowledgeable person. Before I knew it, we had been talking for such a long time that I could not believe how much energy reserve my husband had and how much he talked and opened up that day! So I learnt a very valuable lesson that day, which is that you do not start from where you are but from where your husband is, from his comfort zone if you want more than a 'yes' or 'no' answer! Especially when he is not in the mood for much talking maybe due to having had a stressful day or so.

It is gratifying for a man to show that he knows what he is about because for the average serious-minded man, he derives a sense of identity and worth from his work. So talking about it will always be a pleasure. For some other men it could be a hobby that they are passionate about, like soccer for instance. Or golf. Or teaching Sunday school. Take an interest in his interest and ask him about it first, when you need to get his attention and he appears uninterested in talking. Let me point out however that everyone needs some space from time to time. This is especially true for men who need time alone to reflect, plan, strategize, meditate, pray and so forth. There is a need therefore to give him some space; some alone time, and not be 'choking' in your demand for his attention. Give him some space when he needs it. This usually does not last more than a few hours, barring any other hidden issues that may make him want to stay away from you.

Don't interrupt him when he's watching his favorite team playing a game on television unless of course it is important and cannot wait! Also learn to study his moods before bringing up serious issues with him. This will determine the kind of response you will get from him. For instance, when he is hungry and tired is not the best time to bring up certain issues. Wait till he has had a shower, eaten, relaxed or rested a bit. This will increase your chances of having his ear on the matter. I hope this helps. If underlying issues exist which are beyond just being exhausted after a hard day's work, then seek help and deal with those issues squarely. 

Great week!
Shalom.

7 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. This is very practical and I pray women can adopt this all important counsel God bless you richly ma.

      Delete
  2. Wooow! Mum,this is so educative.Guess all women should read this and apply wisdom.Thanks Mum...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you found this helpful. Bless you Jane.

      Delete
  3. Wooow! Mum,this is so educative.Guess all women should read this and apply wisdom.Thanks Mum...

    ReplyDelete
  4. So inspiring ma.have been following you right from Accra Ghana and I always pray to God that my family will be like yours.. Pls I think we need such write up also about the women? God bless you ma

    ReplyDelete